I promised this blog wouldn't have any negativity because of my fight against cancer.
I can't lie to you and say that in the middle of all the positivity and fight against it, in this year and a half, I have not had my sad days.
When I was diagnosed I refused to give into it. I set myself positive goals, went through 2 surgeries, 1 radioactive iodine treatment, many doctor appointments, many exams, and I fought in my own way too.
I have been called a strong woman, a fighter. I have been asked how I felt and how I was doing and my reply would always be "I'm good!".
I tried continuing my life as close to as normal as I could. As if I didn't have cancer, to a point, not a lot of people that see me constantly know that I carry this.
People even tend to think I have an easy and fortune life.
I always dreamt that my marriage at least on the first few years would be the honey moon phase, everyone talks about.
Man, was I wrong! I have been married for 1 year and 2 months today, and our lives have revolved on fighting this cancer. The money, the patience, the focus, everything. We both changed so many things in our lives to help fight it. Have we actually just enjoyed each other with no worries, maybe for a week? No!
The day after my wedding I already had to be put on a special diet for it, which cut me from having things like ice cream, cake or any different meal we would want to share together.
It has been 1 year and a 4 months of the diagnosis, but this period of time has been very tiring to me.
Researching endlessly, testing theories, looking for different doctors, looking for people with my cancer, keeping positive.
Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to keep positive all the time?
Extremely! And no matter how hard you try, you will never manage to be 100% of the time positive.
|Right after surgery|
Where questions like these dominate:
"Why am I fighting?"
"If I am meant to have this, it doesn't matter how hard I try, I will still have it!"
"I have no strength anymore."
"I am tired!"
"What would happen if I give up?"
"Should I just throw everything up in the air and live as if I had nothing?"
And where crying is the only thing you want to do.
You don't want to leave your bed, or do anything.
This is the reality of having cancer. No matter what type, or what stage. This disease has the power to take the strongest woman, and make her seem weak.
Don't be fooled by looks. People hurt inside and get desperate without showing it.
I didn't want to post today. I kept crying, trying to pick myself up and as soon as I felt a little better I fell again. Things I had listed to do today stayed back because I can't bring myself to it.
I have cried to my husband quite a few times today, and every time he helps me pick up my broken pieces.
I didn't know what to do anymore. I needed to find a place or something to try and put my negativity into so I could go back to my positive strong woman. The only place left was here.
So I am so sorry for bringing you a sad post. Sorry if I upset you.
Feel free not to comment, skip this post.
This is not going to happen often. I hope this will be the only time.
If you made it to the end of the post, thank you for reading.